There are a multitude of reasons as to why men cheat on their partners. Some would argue that it is a socially learnt behaviour; others would suggest that it is a lack of self-control or that there is something wrong within their current relationship that drives a man into the arms of another woman! Does it relate to some gender specific behaviour that goes all the way back to the cave man? Or is it simply a case of having your cake and eating it too?
Whatever the reason, from a moral perspective does it really matter? Is there really a valid reason for betraying someone you love, someone that has invested into you? The real and honest answer is no.
Ultimately it comes down to one’s ego. It’s about arrogance and taking advantage of a woman’s vulnerability that really should be respected and treasured. A woman’s heart is the most precious gift in the world…bar none! Men covert their weakness’s through behaviour that hides that weakness. In other words, we use the control of another person’s vulnerability to offset our own weakness or vulnerability. There is also a huge deep-rooted problem with the way women are portrayed in the western world. We objectify women through how they look, there is also the problem that men see women as an easy target, and every time we sway another woman into the cot it reaffirms our thoughts of how easy that was, and, I got away with it! Its a self fulfilling prophecy! This I believe is all socially constructed; moreover, men learn this from their childhood through into their adult life because the objectification of women is all around them, all the time.
Even the subtlest slights of women being ‘perceived’ as the weaker sex turn into psychological snowballs over time if left unchecked. It certainly paints a fairly bleak picture, particularly if you live in a country where women a vilified by their gender, race and religion all in one. Think about it, when we want to label someone as weak we say things like, “don’t be such a girl”, or, “your carrying on like an old woman”. These are exactly the type of comments that continually reinforce to boys/men that women are easy targets, and are the weaker sex. The word opportunistic comes to mind…
Some men like the thrill of the chase, it ignites something within that may have been laying dormant in their current relationship, it allows them to feel that they are still attractive to others, that we, “still have it”. In some ways it is also a little bit of a game, “can I get away with it!” Men who are players spend most of their time perfecting their tradecraft. Even if it is a short lived rush that is followed up with endless guilt and shame. Just so we are clear, players do not feel shame, certainly not in the short run.
So, will he ever change?
Yes, absolutely…although many would argue that a leopard never changes its spots, I disagree. People just need the right motivation; the right push at the right time. I can see the comments, ‘why don’t men just want to be loyal because its the right thing to do’? Plain and simple, it’s because we think we can get away with it and its gives our ego a boost. And that’s regardless of whether she is a good shag or not! Peter Pan syndrome all over! How very very sad….the term man is a very loose one!
It’s a bloody hard lesson to learn lads. Don’t go telling girls you love them if you don’t. There is a massive gap between having friends with benefits if both parties’ agree, to sleeping with a girl and lying to her face. Trust me, the truth always come out, don’t kid yourself and don’t think that you will outsmart the universe. Girls invest, girls trust, and girls go all in….a real man has the fortitude to speak up if he is no longer in love rather than just shagging another. A real man faces his own weaknesses and imperfections by accepting and embracing another’s perfect imperfections (great line thanks to John Legend). A real man will not want to fool a girl he supposedly loves, and a real man will not want for another, not now, and not ever….
Do men feel any guilt?
Well that depends on what the motivation is. If say, we are in a relationship that is dying a slow death, the shame or guilt we might feel by sleeping with another woman is far less than if we are actually in love with our partner and just had a brain explosion by shagging another woman. In the latter it then turns into I will worry about it if she finds out, but feel like complete crap for what I have done. For the former, we move on fairly quickly and it confirms to us its time to go. It’s all quite physical, and definitely the small head thinking for the big one. For some men, women are such objects of desire that they simply cannot help themselves and for all the reasons above wind up in another women’s bed regardless of how good their current girl is. If there is any comfort here girls, you should realise that if you are with a man like that then it has little to do with you, the honest truth is its actually all about that mans particular weakness and his unwillingness to be honest with himself. Aka Peter Pan…
But how can he say he loves me and then go and sleep with another woman? Because for men who haven’t matured yet, those words carry no ‘real’ value, actions speak louder than words, and some men take half a lifetime to mature when it comes to relationships. The sad part being the broken hearts left behind in the process.
Girls, if you want to test a man’s love for you, the only way is to see some action. Any mug can Google some nice words and scribble them on a card. Make sure you meet his mates, this will tell you allot about what type of influence he is getting and what type of social expectations are alive in his peer group. Ignore most of the dribble if he is full of booze, most of what men say when drunk is all about getting laid.
When my marriage failed it took me some time to be honest with myself. It took some really difficult conversations with friends, with my ex-wife, and my family to get to the point of acceptance of why my marriage broke down. I had not been unfaithful, but I not put her first, and I was too arrogant to understand why!
How do I know?
Probably the most important question….How do I tell if that guy I like will cheat on me?
My experience tells me that a women’s gut felling is right most of the time. Trust your gut over your girlfriends! When women do nothing but listen to the opinions of their girlfriends it drives men crazy. It shows us that you don’t have the guts to make your own decisions without the blessing of your friends. I could be way off the mark here, but that is the perception, and in the love game perception plays a huge role in how we ‘think’ how our partner feels about us. Manage your message, and don’t try and please others all the time.
I cheated on a girlfriend in my late teens, I broke her heart, I ended a relationship because I couldn’t control myself. My weakness was used against the weakness of another….piss poor form really. My ex-wife regularly reminds me of when our daughter was born I would learn the hard way of what the collateral damage of breaking a girls heart is. You know what, she is absolutely right! Chances are I won’t even be there when the first boy turns up to take her out. I miss so much of the day to day of my kids growing, simple things like kissing them goodnight, doing homework…don’t make the same mistake lads, you get one shot at this life, and a piece of ass just isn’t worth it if you have a loving girl at home. Get out of the pub and go home, it really is that simple…
When does it start?
Men who are players are complete opportunists. Like I said above, they are continually honing their skills in picking up women. They are the type that relishes the social elevation by their peers of being the guy who can get any girl. They love that their mates will come to them for advise on the where, who, and how’s to get that girl. That’s all fine and well if it’s being used to snare a girl if you are single. It’s the flip side that makes it add to this social perception that woman are an easy target and a way of proving your manliness!
Guys like me leave a trail of destruction behind in relationships, we make huge mistakes along the way and watch several girls who were potentially, ‘the one’ leave our lives because we cannot control ourselves. I am eternally grateful for my life now, but I do wish I had have done the right thing by my very first girlfriend way back. She deserved better, and I was not man enough to be that for her….
Last words of wisdom lads, it takes far more guts and manliness to leave a relationship that you are no longer invested in, than to just shag another woman knowing that will make your current partner leave you. Its called being gutless… Leave with respect and integrity, it is those qualities that you will want for the partner of your daughter one day.
Photography by Steven Markham Photography
Good article. I’ve been loyal through my three marriages, and never cheated on a girlfriend either. But I had two instances where I lost the confidence of a woman.
First was when, in the early days of Facebook, I returned from seeing my bro in Canada and what looked like his wife’s cousin friended me. She was a young asian. Later, while pissed of course, I sent her some compliments, like ‘nice photo!’ and worse still, when she put a picture of a greasy fried breakfast online, I said I could make her a much better breakfast.
My wife saw the feed and freaked, decided I had been unfaithful with the girl concerned while I was in Canada. The actual FB ‘friend’ lived in HK as it transpired. But I lost trust, mostly due to wife’s insecurity.
Post divorce (not due to above, but of course it did not help) I was dating and the GF pushed back and became emotionally and practically very un-available just when I needed her, leaving me feeling very alone. I thought it was all over with her. I jumped on RSVP and snagged a coffee date the next morning, met her and had a chat and forgot about it. The GF returned, we had a good season together.
Many months later, I broke off with the GF. The very next day, I swear this is true, I had a drink with the GF to settle everything emotionally and fully explain why we were not to be. It went well, but while drinking her phone went nuts with texts. She held it up for me to see. ‘Sharon is texting me every minute!’ The text said I HAVE TO SEE YOU NOW.
We walked down to the next bar where Sharon was waiting, I almost went in to say hi, but I left the ex GF with a kiss and a feeling of resolution.
Turns out Sharon was with a friend, Kelly, and mentioned my GF was breaking up with her guy. His name is Julius. Kelly yelled out ‘no way – I had a date with a Julius just the other month!’
So from victory I snatched defeat, and earned the eternal enmity of the ex GF, who felt rightly betrayed that I had ‘dated’ while going out with her.
Firstly, I respect your blog as a healing mechanism to cope with being separated from your children. But, I also hope there can be a healthy debate on this topic, especially when it seems you lean very fem-centric.
“There are a multitude of reasons as to why men cheat on their partners. Some would argue that it is a socially learnt behaviour; others would suggest that it is a lack of self-control or that there is something wrong within their current relationship that drives a man into the arms of another woman! Does it relate to some gender specific behaviour that goes all the way back to the cave man? Or is it simply a case of having your cake and eating it too?”
How is men cheating “socially learnt”? Please give an example within the context of your article.
Statistics indicate that 70-80% of western females initiate separation and divorce. And in most cases this was not because the man cheated. It is Hypergamy, plain and simple.
Why does a man cheat whilst in a committed relationship? It would be almost 100% because the female used sex as a weapon. She slowly (in some cases quickly) turned off her sexual availability she once had pre- marriage to her husband. The husband, then confused and frustrated at his wives lack of interest will seek sex from another source.
Yes, men (and cavemen) are biologically hardwired to spread seed far and wide. That’s how our species survived and flourished.
“Whatever the reason, from a moral perspective does it really matter? Is there really a valid reason for betraying someone you love, someone that has invested into you? The real and honest answer is no.”
I disagree. First, I’m not saying men are ‘owed sex’, however, if the women effectively keeps a man in a state of sexual frustration for a long period of time, who is really betraying who here? In any case, men love idealistically, its women who love opportunistically.
“Ultimately it comes down to one’s ego. It’s about arrogance and taking advantage of a woman’s vulnerability that really should be respected and treasured. A woman’s heart is the most precious gift in the world…bar none!”
How is a women’s emotional vulnerability any different from a mans? You can’t be talking about financial vulnerability because women are protected by the legal system (designed by men). Respect should be earned, not just automatically given. How is a women’s heart anymore a precious gift than a mans? This Disneyesque ideal of a women you have is the main problem. You allude to the women being always perceived as ‘the prize’. This puts women on a princess pedestal where they have an enormous sense of over-entitlement.
“This I believe is all socially constructed; moreover, men learn this from their childhood through into their adult life because the objectification of women is all around them, all the time.”
Everything a man experiences, every social conditioning he receives from the earliest age, every accepted social norm and every expectation of him to qualify as the definition of a mature adult Man in contemporary society is designed to serve the female imperative. Moralist wallow in it, absolutists and defeated white knights existentially depend upon it, and even the better part of relativists still (often unwittingly) feed and serve the feminine purpose. In fact, so all encompassing is this reality that we define our masculinity in the terms of how well we can accommodate that feminne influence.
“Men covert their weakness’s through behaviour that hides that weakness. In other words, we use the control of another person’s vulnerability to offset our own weakness or vulnerability.”
Again, can you give an example? How do you control vulnerability?
“There is also a huge deep-rooted problem with the way women are portrayed in the western world”
How do you think women are portrayed in the western world? Western women today are the most legally protected, entitled, “strong & independent”, encouraged within the workforce women in history. Not only have they never had it better, but feminism has eroded the very core of the family unit and taken almost everything away from what it really means to be masculine in 2014.
Women are their own worst enemies. The level of solipsism and narcissism in western women today is unbelievable.
From the ”eat pray love’ phenomenon, 50 Shades of Grey, through to the attention whores on social media – western women are the worst of the worst.
“We objectify women through how they look, there is also the problem that men see women as an easy target”
How are women a soft target? Combine a femcentric Government, main stream media, an out of control feminist movement, and white knights (that’s you Jason) rushing to their so called aid and you have anything but a soft target.
“and every time we sway another woman into the cot it reaffirms our thoughts of how easy that was, and, I got away with it!”
Are you saying it’s that easy to “sway” a women into the cot? Women are the sexual selectors and the gatekeepers to sex. They are the guardians of the eggs and will protect them fiercely. Seems like you believe women are so easy that they will jump in the sack with any guy who wants it. In a way, you are right though – given the right opportunistic circumstances, logistics, & ovulation cycle, a woman’s innate hypergamy will ultimately dictate her “”easiness”.
“Even the subtlest slights of women being ‘perceived’ as the weaker sex turn into psychological snowballs over time if left unchecked. It certainly paints a fairly bleak picture, particularly if you live in a country where women a vilified by their gender, race and religion all in one. Think about it, when we want to label someone as weak we say things like, “don’t be such a girl”, or, “your carrying on like an old woman”. These are exactly the type of comments that continually reinforce to boys/men that women are easy targets, and are the weaker sex. The word opportunistic comes to mind…”
How can you be vilified for your race in your own country? You are now moving your narrative from western women to oppressed woman in Muslim countries.
How about feminist boilerplate such as;
Be a man
Why don’t you man-up?
Boys don’t cry
You can’t handle a real women
“Some men like the thrill of the chase, it ignites something within that may have been laying dormant in their current relationship, it allows them to feel that they are still attractive to others, that we, “still have it”. In some ways it is also a little bit of a game, “can I get away with it!” Men who are players spend most of their time perfecting their tradecraft. Even if it is a short lived rush that is followed up with endless guilt and shame. Just so we are clear, players do not feel shame, certainly not in the short run.”
If you are a “player” then you shouldn’t be married. Marriage is not in any mans best interest. The odds are well and truly stacked not in his favour. The women can simply change her mind and take half his wealth and kids – because she was not haaaapy.
“How very very sad….the term man is a very loose one!”
Yes it is, because men don’t know what being a man means these days. Why are you so hell-bent on men-shaming in this skewed article? That is a sweeping generalisation I would expect from a woman. Yeah ok ok, all men have Peter Pan syndrome (another male shaming tactic). Hmm, why can’t they just “man-up” and “do the right thing”. lol
“When my marriage failed it took me some time to be honest with myself. It took some really difficult conversations with friends, with my ex-wife, and my family to get to the point of acceptance of why my marriage broke down. I had not been unfaithful, but I not put her first, and I was too arrogant to understand why!”
Jason, you can’t see the forest through the trees. I think your marriage failed because of your backward, fem-centric and feminist brainwashed views on inter gender relationships. You have it so so wrong that I long to help you because if you maintain your fem-logic, your current relationship will fail. You have lost many (if not all) positive masculinity traits you may have had. You have put princess on such a pedestal that your “oneitis” will be your ultimate undoing.
There is no ONE. This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyone telling you anything else is selling you something. There are LOTS of ‘special someones’ out there for you, just ask the divorced/widowed person who’s remarried after their “soulmate” has died or moved on.
This is what trips people up about the soul-mate myth, it is this fantasy that we all at least in some way share an idealization of – that there is ONE perfect mate for each of us, and as soon as the planets align and fate takes it’s course we’ll know that we’re ‘intended’ for each other. And while this may make for a gratifying romantic comedy plot, it’s hardly a realistic way to plan your life. In fact it’s usually paralyzing.
ONEitis is an unhealthy psychological dependency that is the direct result of the continuous socialization of the soulmate myth in pop culture.
Maybe in your next article, you should ask the question “why do women cheat?”
Thank you for your well considered response. It is probably the first time someone has taken the time to respond in such detail…
Pretty much all of my comments in this post are based on my world, what I felt and what I went through. I have drawn out some very broad comments on all men though, so its fair for you to question those as they contradict the personal opinion narrative. It is not meant to be any sort of academic article with peer reviewed sources to back up my assertions. It really is a snapshot into what I experienced, and what I came to realise after the fog cleared.
You are absolutely right in that my view is now a fem-centric one, and I make no apologies for that. That does not translate into being ‘whipped’, it means for me that I now ‘get’ some of what some men typically say women are waffling on about. Have no fear, there are plenty of times when I have no idea what the women in my life are going on about. I have no plans to solve that mystery, besides, the most common answer would be, ‘just love me’ if we did get too close…
I learnt the hard way that most things are not worth fighting about, if its not going to bother on your death bed to then let it pass. All that happens is you carry around stress because you let other peoples actions affect you. Its just not worth it, people either want to be with you or they don’t, and if they don’t then that’s fine.
Ultimately, my experience is largely fed by the loss of my family unit. Losing that day to day time with my kids is probably a bigger issue now than ever missing my ex-wife was, although there was definitely a time when it was her that I missed, and that time was a killer. I guess her actions diluted those feelings more than mine, if we asked her she would probably say the opposite though!
I take most of your points as good arguments, and I definitely agree that men are being feminised in our modern world. Why are we doing this? To get laid more, or because of the social pressure, or both? It is very confusing that’s for sure…I travel almost weekly so I see lots of different types of people from all walks of life. The trick is not to fall into a stereotypical mind-set although we all do it, I guess I have to expect that people will also pigeon hole me because of my comments. I’m ok with that, this BLOG isn’t a popularity contest 🙂
I am more than happy to write a ‘why do women cheat’ version. This first article was an idea put forward by a few female friends of mine who couldn’t understand why boyfriends kept cheating on them throughout their lives. These girls are all different types of people from different parts of town, some maternal, some independent, and some in-between. I could question some female friends that have cheated on their partners and see what made them make those decisions…
Thanks again for taking the time to respond. Happy new year…