Even after nearly three years of separation and one of divorce, the complex elements of losing a marriage and my family still seem to be evolving.

My sons birthday yesterday at their mums with their new step dad.  Gut wrenching, yet a small sense of relief once over.  Tears all the way there, yet none of the way home.  Does my ex-wife miss me at all?  Do I really want to know, I doubt it.

The destructive nature of divorce a constant reminder when you have 12/14 nights alone.  Will I ever gain the advantage…will geography always keep me distant from those I love?  Will I white flag and relocate to near them one day?

I spent the day today studying with my new girl.  Beautiful woman yet we both know its not right with neither having the emotional strength to call it.  We have a become a crutch for each other, but at what cost….and for how long.

I have filled my house with photos of them, some days it makes me smile, most it makes me cry.  My son is yearning for male contact, I cannot help but feel that his step dad is not giving him enough or maybe the right attention he needs.  I see the fear, the hurt, the emptiness he carries, he clings to me when I see him.  His love just amazing…my daughter however a realist, one who knows mummy and daddy are over.  I wonder what she dreams of at night; I wonder what they talk to each other about when at school or when alone in their rooms.  I wonder what their fears are….

I am the first ever to have a marriage fail in my family, I have let my family down. I’ve let me down, my wife my kids, yet I am still here.  Have I lost a piece that will never return, is that another cost, is it another injury to carry.

Can men and women ever really know what its like for the opposite sex to experience divorce, is there ever a winner and loser, is there a reprieve in the taxing of the soul. I am sure I have been to the bottom and even know there is a top, yet for now I seem happy with mediocrity, I hope I don’t stay here for long.

I’m in a rush, destination reality…