Lie to yourself, lose your self. Lie to your partner, lose your dignity…

It has been some time since I wrote something personal.  Today we are going to cover lying…I see the eyebrows raise, and I see people saying, here we go…

I lost the love of my wife because I lied to her.  I can dance around the issue all I like, but the crux of the breakdown of my marriage was a lack of trust. I was not a violent person, I have never taken narcotics, I don’t have a criminal record, yet, when it came to something as simple as being truthful with my wife, I failed.  I have read, and seen, absolute horror stories of how different marriages have broken down, and it has taken me some time to really understand the impact lying had on mine.  I have seen all the stages of mourning, and now on the other side can reveal just what the cost is of breaking that bond with the one you love.

Marriage was for me, a once in a lifetime event.  I had found the love of my life, a women who gave me everything I ever wanted.  After a thirteen month relationship we were engaged. A year later, we were married, home owners, and pregnant with our first child.  Life was ticking along pretty well…

My wedding

My wedding

Jump forward a couple of years and we were pregnant with our second child, this is where life started to change.  I changed, I started to not come home, I started to stay at work allot longer than I needed to.  I made up excuses to not come home…I lied.  This habit grew, why, well because I thought I was getting away with it.  I thought I was smarter…how foolish was I.  Not only to think that I was smarter, but to leave my wife fending for herself with two kids under two at home.

In time, my wife would admit that this is where the rot started, the loss of trust eroded what was a very strong love.

Our relationship slowly, but surely, decayed into a shadow of what it once was.  How could something so great fail so quickly?  Quite simply for a women at home with two young children, what she needed was me.  She needed me to buttress her efforts, to support her, not to fix the problems, but to share them, and to take ownership of my role as a husband, a father, and a soul mate to her.  With me not a home enough, this was something I was failing miserably at, and as time would tell, drive my wife to realising the only way out was to leave the marriage.  In her words, she was screaming for help, crying out for emotional support, for time with me, and time to be herself.  She had lost her ‘self’ in the whirlwind of marriage and motherhood, she had found depression, and it had well and truly found her.

My time to act was closing quickly.  My anger growing daily at my wife’s reluctance to offer me affection in lieu of how hard I was working to provide a more than reasonable lifestyle for my family.  My own selfishness now well entrenched, and colouring my ability to see her for all that she was, and for what she was trying to be.  I continued to embellish the hours my job required, I continued to lie.  Financial strains began to creep in; carelessness, selfishness, and a general reluctance to offer unconditional love fuelled a tail spin of love into despair.

It is here that I need to pause and explain my mindset.  I do need to be very clear that we both openly agree that we could have done more, and that both of us are responsible for the demise of our marriage.  My mindset though reveals a very lopsided affair, with me, the main offender.  I cannot stress the importance of taking the time to reconcile your past actions.  These may include emails, conversations, arguments, and all manner of communications including perceived behaviours.  Women are very perceptive to their surroundings, and in my opinion much more than men.  This is a core difference men need to understand and accept when considering how women are affected by what we say and do.  I have found throughout my life, that in general it is rarely the message, it is all about the delivery.  Context is a killer if you get it wrong, and emotions rank much higher for women than men when determining their daily wellbeing.  My mindset was that I was working so dam hard to provide for my family, so why couldn’t you play the game the way I see it should be run.  Another core problem, just because it is, does not make it so.  Just because we have a perceived way our lives should run, or should look from the outside, this does not negate the responsibility we have to challenge the way things are done.  If we didn’t then nothing would ever change.  Challenging traditional social models where men earn, and women nest, is for some people where they both want to be, and really if that is what both people want then who are we to judge it in any other way.  I argue, that the most important part here, is that both parties have equal opportunities to achieve the lifestyle they want.  To be held back by pre-determined social class, gender, or group membership is simply archaic in my view.  A true partner would offer judgement free support, and this is generally where we fall over.  There’s that smell of selfishness again…

When you reach the stage of questioning your own part in the demise of your marriage or relationship, be willing to question your own worldview, your own values, and how others may perceive what message you deliver.  Open your mind and heart, at this point you probably feel like you have lost everything anyway, so what do you have to lose if not gaining some clarity and closure if you are able to enlighten yourself just a little.

In the end, my wife told me that she did not know who the person was that I had become.  That I had lied so much that she could not tell the truth from the bullshit.  I had pushed her beyond her limits and now it was broken.  It had taken around two years to completely drive her to this position; this reinforces the idea that women do not make decisions like this on a whim.  Even today, almost five years after separating, she still finds it hard to trust me.  The importance of maintaining truthfulness in your relationship is paramount.  Without trust, one cannot allow themselves to fall into a sea of vulnerability and selflessness.  Material things are all fixable, and all transitionary in our lives.  Trust with the one you love, is in most cases a ‘one-shot’ affair.  Make those changes to your life now, do not wait for that phone call, email, or sms saying goodbye.

3 replies

  1. I have just read your nice article’s fantastic ..You are a real man , because you the ability to blame yourself for everything went wrong..Take it easy ..You have to forgive yourself..Repentance is good..Make a promise that you will never do this again..Now you realized that you couldn’t treat your wife as should be ..I am sure if you go back in time , you will never repeat your past mistakes..

  2. Hi Nina,

    Thank you for your kind words. This blog started as something to help me get my feelings down on paper. As part of that journey, I have been able to open my heart and mind to alternative points of view. It does take quite allot of internal reflection to really look critically at what our actions mean.

    Losing the love of any woman is a terrible mistake, losing the love of your wife is even harder to put into words. I will keep writing as long as people like reading, I do get to travel quite a bit so it gives me opportunities to experience how other cultures, live, love, work and play.

    Have a great day.

  3. Well my dear,
    I advise you you to keep getting your feelings down on paper.It’s much better than leaving them bubbling up inside.I do respect what you write , because it is real.It takes a lot of energy, will , and bravery to be honest with yourself and with the rest of the world.
    I once read that good writers are the ones who write what they truly feel .Your writings are very inspiring and down to earth.I can never write about my personal experiences in public , because I am not as brave as you.

    You may have lied to wife before, but you are honest with yourself dear..You are aware of your guilt and if you go back in time , you will never repeat the past mistakes..That is a reason enough to get you to forgive yourself.Besides you have the enough courage to put the blame on you , and to speak highly of your wife…..You are not like those stupid men who put the whole blame on their wives , showing their wives as the worst women ever..You took the responsibility of the breaking up as a real man , and never spoke badly behind her back.

    I am sure that your wife will someday forgive you, and if she has not ever done that.Then you have to forgive yourself and go on with your life.

    Have a nice day .

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