I feel it to, anxiety that is…

Its a beautiful day…

Recently I have had the privilege of attending several weddings of my close friends. I must admit that I carried a little anxiety into both occasions, especially the one where I was the best man!

As it turns out, I now know that probably because of my own failure in marriage, I find it a little hard to keep it together at other peoples weddings. Learning when and how to let those emotions go is something I am still working on, however accepting that this is now part of me is the bigger challenge.

This process I like to call internal reflection, is one that we all must do from time to time. To take on board what our bodies, and minds, are telling us. The willingness to fight our own insecurities limits us to the world-view we have today. Breaking down that barrier, allows to see not only our perceptions of the world, but of those around us. Those we love, and even those we do not. My children are now almost seven and nine, my daughter increasingly challenging me with more daring questions about life, and how I feel about her mum. My daughter can see straight through me, she has that ability I guess from my mother, and what a mum she was….

Today is one of those days, I am in Perth at the moment for work. I sit in my balcony overlooking the Indian Ocean taking a few moments to look inside. To delve past my own arrogance and open the emotional vault. The ocean is a great metaphor representing our lives. At the shore, waves crash into the sand, much like the problems of today. However, the further I look into the distance I see less and less disturbance. I see a calm, flat horizon, I see back inside myself and dream of my fears. Even at fourty one, I still have them, I still suffer from the waves crashing into the sand.

Shot from my balcony in Scarborough

Shot from my balcony in Scarborough

Tonight I am flying home, I have some uni lectures to listen to although I am not sure how long I will last before falling asleep. I am blessed being one of those people who can sleep just about anywhere. I often dream of losing my kids, there is no rhyme or reason, but it is distressing. I think this is linked to the fact that I do not see them much. I wonder what they fear…

In a few short weeks I will be off to Europe. Work are sending me to our head office in Germany for a week, afterwards I am taking myself off to the Italian Riviera for 10 nights of nothing. I am traveling alone, yet I have support all around me.

Carpe diem…

1 reply

  1. You are my only son, the only child of my wonderful marriage to your loving Mother and I still hold great fears I could lose you. You wrote of your great fear or dream of losing your lovely children. I have the same fear of you because your all I have, even though you gave me two beautiful grandchildren, that fear remains.
    Love your children, tell them of your fears, you may be quite surprised at their questions!

    Have no fear of challenging questions from your daughter, your heart will give you all the answers.

    The fear of exposing emotions. Let them out, most men will not let them out in fear of being seen to be weak. It took me 2 months after your Mum died to let it out. I was at home when I couldn’t hold it any longer and I still cry. I miss your Mother ever so much.

    You wrote of your broken marriage, I’ve never experienced this loss. You have a new love, cherish her, honour her, love her and make love with her often. The challenge is to embrace new love in all it loving forms you create with your every day life. Don’t let all this get you down. Time will change everything. Take hold of every moment of your amazing life, remember your mother and I built the ship, now your the captain, set sail with both eye’s wide open to new adventures and new achievements.

    You have a plan, do not waiver from that plan, share the plan with the one’s trust and carry the plan through and no pit stops along the way big fella. Ha Ha
    Lots love Dad

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